Parody 13: Magnetism (S01E03)
by stewbeef44
Summary: The third installment of the Parody 13 series. This one parodies "Magnetism" (Season 1, Episode 3). Enjoy!
1. Danger zone!

AT A MUSEUM IN PARIS...

Pete Lattimer had done some work that scared him a lot in his time at Warehouse 13. This was a whole lot worse, however. He had a fear of both sharp objects and heights, and this time he found himself hanging upside-down from the top of a gigantic guillotine, the same one that had beheaded Marie Antoinette. This was an artifact, and Pete had to neutralize it, then switch the blade for a fake so nobody would notice it was missing.

He started to unscrew the blade from the frame. It came down too quickly, and Pete screamed. Three security guards heard him, and they rushed over, weapons drawn. Myka came to the rescue, taking out one guard with the Tesla, and the other two by beating them senseless. Pete switched the blade with the fake, and they walked away.

"Why didn't you follow the plan?" Myka asked.

"Well, the blade came down accidentally."

"... We'll talk about this later."

"Hey, Myka?" Pete said after a pause. Myka was silent.

"Myka?"

Myka still didn't answer. "MYYYYKAAAAAA!" Pete screamed.

"WHAT?!"

"Danger zone."


	2. Troubles in Unionville

A/N: Starting with this third story in the Parody 13 series, I will be introducing a subplot that is resolved in the middle of Season 6. And yes, that means that I will continue with the story even after the actual show is canceled. You're welcome. :)

* * *

MEANWHILE, IN UNIONVILLE, ONTARIO...

Unionville, being a sleepy village in the suburbs of Markham, usually did not have any major incidents. When there were things going on, it was usually the Unionville Festival or a tourist who got lost. This time, however, there were three unexplained incidents.

AT UNIONVILLE HIGH SCHOOL...

Unionville High School was famous for its fiddle contests. All the great modern Canadian high school fiddle players came from here, like... well, actually, only Joseph Christensen. He was playing in a crowded music hall, with his parents, his grandparents, and his friends watching.

Suddenly, he stopped playing. He stood up, smashed his fiddle stick into tiny little pieces, and bashed his fiddle against the wall.

There was a silence from among the audience. Then, they gave a standing ovation. One person even yelled, "It's the new Jethro Tull! Hooray!" The others were cheering because they really just didn't like the fiddle, they were there only because most of them knew Joseph. However, Joseph seemed to take this as an insult, and furiously threw the battered remains of his fiddle into the crowd. He walked away angrily.

IN FRONT OF UNIONVILLE HOSPITAL...

An elderly woman was walking along the streets of Unionville. She was just walking home from buying a spray paint can for some housework. All of a sudden, she stopped, took out the spray paint, and tagged the hospital wall with the word "FRAKK".

AT THE CHURCH IN UNIONVILLE...

From the top of the church steeple, a nun jumped to the ground below.

"Sister Grace? Sister Grace! Are you alright?"

"I – I thought I could fly..." Sister Grace was wheeled on a stretcher into an ambulance.

IN ARTIE'S OFFICE...

"What does "frakk" mean?" Artie wondered out loud.

"I think it means she watches a lot of Battlestar Galactica," Leena said from behind him.

"Ah, that sci-fi show. I hate sci-fi."

Leena giggled. "Stop giggling!" Artie said.

"Your aura seems to be off somehow..."

"Stop looking at my aura!"

This statement only made Leena giggle more. "Fine, I'll just put Pete and Myka on the case."

"Artie, what are you so grumpy about?"

"I had a talk with the Regents about something that I really should not discuss." He walked out of the Warehouse to get a breath of fresh air before he briefed Pete and Myka.


	3. Arguments and showers

A/N: I've decided to postpone the subplot I hinted at in the author's note in the last chapter. It'll come at the beginning of Season 6.

* * *

Myka and Pete had just finished putting the blade from the guillotine on the shelf. They were arguing, as usual.

"You know, Pete, sometimes I just don't get you."

"You mean how my hair is so full and silky smooth?"

"No, what I don't get is your inability to follow protocol. They're there for a reason, Pete."

"Let me guess... as an excuse for uptight people to annoy me?"

"I'm not uptight!"

Some of the artifacts began to emit sparks. Pete and Myka continued arguing.

"Well, at least I don't quote Archer for no apparent reason!"

"And when did I do that?"

"Does the term 'danger zone' ring a bell?"

"Ha, see, I made you say it."

The sparks got bigger, which alerted Artie in his office. He spoke over the loudspeaker to them.

"Watch your negative energy... guys..." Artie said cautiously.

The two agents kept arguing. Artie pressed a button, and a showerhead sprayed neutralizer on Pete and Myka.

There was an awkward silence between the two for a moment.

"So, about that shower fantasy..." Pete said casually. He was referring to the shower fantasy Myka had told Artie about while working on the isotone case. Little did Pete know, Myka also told Artie not to tell him about it.

"What shower fantasy?"

"Probably nothing. Let's go get our mission, before you start punching me or something." Myka grinned, mostly because a few minutes earlier, she wanted to do just that.


	4. Artie's car

Artie, Pete, and Myka sat down at the table. "So, what's it going to be, Artie?"

"You're going to Canada."

"I think my aunt lives in Calgary... is the case in Western Canada?"

"No, it's near Ontario. And even if it was in Calgary, you wouldn't visit your aunt unless she's been affected by an artifact, which hopefully will _not_ happen!"

Myka sighed. "What's the case, then?"

"Actually, there are three seemingly separate cases. A teenage fiddle player suddenly smashed his instument into the wall while on stage, an old lady who wrote... I think it was "FRAKK", on a hospital wall, and a nun who jumped out a third-story church window. But I think they were caused by the same artifact. The strange thing was that each of them reported they knew what they were doing, but couldn't stop themselves."

"Something in the water, maybe?"

"Not sure. It may also be fungal, parasitic, humanoid, place-based, wooden, electronic, isotonic, or even orgiastic."

"Tell me more about the orgiastic ones," Pete asked with a highly immature grin on his face.

"No."

"Can we take your car? Mine broke down, and Mrs. Frederic keeps hiding in Pete's car."

"Did she say why?"

"No, I think she does it just to be... well, just to be herself."

Artie sighed. "Fine. Just don't go over 35 miles and hour, don't eat or drink anywhere near it, don't turn the radio on, don't drive it..." Artie was going to go on, but Myka and Pete had already snuck out while on his rant.


	5. Ontario is not a city

As soon as Artie realized that Pete and Myka had already left, Leena walked up to him.

"Did you say Unionville was _near_ Ontario? Like it was a city?"

"Isn't it?

"No, it's a Canadian province. Unionville is a community in the suburbs of Toronto, which is in Ontario."

"Leave it to a geography major to correct me..."

Leena rolled her eyes. "Geography isn't just memorizing locations! It's the study of the entire Earth!"

"Oh, like geology?"

"No! Geology is a subfield of... oh, never mind," she said, exasperated. "Have you found the hacker?"

"No. I think this one is just... causing trouble. No big deal."

"Artie, no offense, but you make a big deal out of everything. Also, your aura tells me you're hiding something." She looked at him, searching his body language for clues. "Does this have anything to do with your meeting with Valda?"

"Of course not. I'm just trying out being relaxed about things for a while. Can't you let me do that?"

Leena paused. "We're not done talking about this," she said. She went out on the patio to get some fresh air.

"Oh, that was a close one..." Artie said to himself. He went back to studying whatever might be causing the incidents in Unionville.


	6. Poutine and scheming

Pete and Myka had just gotten on the bus from Toronto Airport to Unionville. "Hey Myka, would you like some of these fries? They're delicious, it's topped with gravy and cheese curds."

"I think that's poutine, Pete," Myka answered. "And I don't think you're supposed to have food on the bus."

Just then, the bus driver came over to Pete. "Hide the poutine! Hide it!" Myka whispered frantically.

"Eh, what's that? Poutine?"

"Yes. We'll just throw it away." Myka tried to grab the poutine away from Pete, but he held a tight grip on it.

"What's that, eh? No, don't do that! Nobody should throw away a good poutine! Just don't eat it all in one bite, eh, buddy?" The driver patted Pete on the back, went to the driver's seat, and started the bus.

"That was... way too Canadian." Myka said.

"What's wrong with Canadians? They have _poutine_, for crying out loud!"

"It's not that, it's just... nobody's _that_ stereotypically Canadian."

"Why would you say that?"

"Look!" Myka pointed to a half-eaten bowl of Kraft dinner, a gallon-sized jar of maple syrup, and two bowls of poutine sitting at a table near the driver's seat.

"Also, he has a bumper sticker saying, 'My other bus is a Zamboni'."

"Wow..." Pete scratched his head. "I think you're right, Myka. This must be a joke or something."

"Or just a tourist bus..." But Pete wasn't listening, because he just got an idea. "You know how Artie told me about the shower fantasy you had? I mean, I'm totally digging it, but I wouldn't – anyway, I was just thinking that we should play a prank on him as retribution for that."

Myka liked the sound of this. "What kind of prank?"

"I suppose we should figure it out."

With that, they began scheming all the way to Unionville.


	7. Meg

As Pete and Myka stepped off the bus at the stop in Unionville, they immediately spotted the elderly vandal they had heard of in the briefing who had tagged a hospital wall with the word 'FRAKK'. As they walked up to her, she roundhouse-kicked a nearby newspaper vendor, who fell over on the sidewalk. She picked up one of the newspapers he was selling, and said to the two agents, "And they sell 'em for a half dollar, could you believe that?" With that, she smiled at them and walked away.

It was not long before the paramedics and police arrived. "You go talk to the police, and I'll talk to the paramedics, okay?" Myka asked.

After a brief moment of Pete complaining, they agreed on Myka's plan. Myka walked over to Meg, the lady who had kicked the newspaper vendor. "You know," Myka said cautiously, "it could be a sugar imbalance causing channel blockers or receptors in the brain to misbehave; I noticed your diabetic pendant."

A paramedic walked over to Meg and Myka. "That made absolutely no sense to me, and I'm a paramedic."

"I guess I'll take that as a compliment," Myka said, smiling.

The paramedic took Meg's blood pressure. "Well, your blood pressure is stable. It's not your meds." He turned to Myka. "She's not the only one to go off the deep end, though..."

"Why, I never!" Meg turned around, and huffily walked away.

"Really? How so?" Myka asked.

"Well, now might not be the best time to talk about it; I do have an injured newspaper vendor to get to a hospital. How about we have lunch at the Unionville Restaurant and Bar, and we'll talk about it?"

"Sounds good."


	8. Officer Mack

As Myka was talking with the paramedic, Pete walked over to the police officer. "That's one crazy old lady there, huh?"

"That's a second-grade English teacher. She's as sane as I am."

"Really?"

The officer began taking off his clothes. "Um, what are you doing?" Pete asked confusedly.

"I'm a unicorn! Unicorns don't need clothes!"

Another officer walked up to him. "Your name is Jarvis Mack! You're not a unicorn, snap out of it!"

"Oh, I'm not a unicorn?! Do you know what unicorns do when their identity is denied? DO YOU?!" He pulled out a gun, and pointed it at Pete's head.

"Sir! Unicorns don't have opposable thumbs!"

Officer Mack seemed to go back to normal. "Sorry. Sometimes I think I'm an overly aggressive unicorn. I don't know why; I'm completely sane. As sane as Meg is, I'm sure." He put his clothes back on.

"Um... wow. Okay, so no connection between Meg, the nun, and the violinist?"

"Not that I know of. Are you just visiting Unionville? There's a bakery down the road."

"I will keep that in mind. My wife and I are on our honeymoon."

"Okay, don't get too wild." Officer Mack hopped in his car. "See you, Pete!"

He drove off. "And _who_ might you be on your honeymoon with?" Pete nearly jumped. He turned around, only to see Myka standing right behind him.

"Um... well..."

At that point, Myka grabbed him and kissed him passionately. "And that's all you get," she whispered in his ear after she was done. "If you hadn't said we were on our honeymoon, things may have been different."

They walked on, with Myka grinning and Pete with his mouth open, too dumbfounded to speak.


	9. Nuns can't fly

_Unionville, Ontario. As the city becomes plagued by hooligans and troublemakers, and the local sheriff thinks he's a frakking unicorn half the time, one person must rise above the city and clean the streets. I am... the Bat-Nun._

"Have you recently acquired any old items, like... um, Sister Grace? Can you hear me?"

The nun that Myka was interviewing, Sister Ellen Grace, cleared her internal monologue. "What? Oh, sorry, no. We are nuns, we renounce all worldly possessions."

"Right, I should have known that. Did you know Meg or Joseph?"

"I heard about them, the hooligans... but I've never met them."

"And what about –"

"Sorry, Myka. My city needs me." Ellen went to the other room.

At that point, the pastor walked in. "Father Braid?" Myka addressed him. "Can I talk with you for a second?"

"What seems to be the problem?"

"I noticed she has a strong hatred of people she describes as "hooligans". Is there a certain reason for that?"

"It's really a bit private. I'm sorry, it would be out of my bounds to discuss it."

"I see."

"I'd really like her to get some rest..."

Suddenly, there were screams coming from right outside the church. Father Braid and Myka rushed outside, only to find Sister Grace standing on the steeple, ready to jump off again.

"Sister Grace! You cannot fly!" Myka yelled. Sister Grace didn't seem to hear her. She jumped to the snowbank below.


	10. Book on tape

"So the _snowbank_ saved her life?"

Pete and Artie were having a Farnsworth conversation at the bar. Everybody was staring at Pete as though he had grown a second head, as they did not recognize the device.

"Yeah. She's really busted up from the fall, though," Pete answered.

"What about the vioinist?"

"Joseph? He fell into a coma."

"Well, then you have to find this thing before it gets any worse."

"Have you seen anything like this?"

"Well, there was this little bell that made people laugh. They would ultimately laugh themselves to death; pretty much due to asphyxiation."

"Freaky!"

"Indeed. Keep looking, and I'll do whatever research I can."

He hung up. Pete noticed the strange looks everybody was giving him. "Book on tape..."

The bartender called him over. "Hey, can I get you a drink?"

"No, I don't drink anymore. A root beer would be good, though."

"Ah. Well, if you're interested, there's an AA meeting in town tonight. Looks like you could use one. Here, I'll write down the address and time for you."

* * *

MEANWHILE AT THE WAREHOUSE...

Artie was studying, researching possible artifacts for Pete and Myka's case. Suddenly, sparks flew everywhere in the Warehouse. "Oh, cut that out," Artie said dismissively to the electricity as though it could hear him.

Artie turned around. Mrs. Frederic was standing right behind him. "Hi, Arthur. Something is wrong. Something made me... not as creepy."

"Oh, this is not good."

"Indeed. I do believe it may have to do with the wall-eating moth that was mentioned in the last parody."

Artie froze, stunned. "Did you hear that?"

"No..."

"Exactly my point. When you broke the fourth wall just then, we didn't hear any 'booming' noises."

"We must go down there. Now."


End file.
